In Between

If I had to make a guess, I would predict that I have about 20 pairs of pants in my closet, give or take a few.  But here's the thing.  I have them in two different locations...well, three locations now. 

First, I have my pants that I'm currently wearing (read:  "currently fit into") hanging up.  These were purchased over a span of about five years.  Some were pre-wedding when I was at my normal weight (I can even think of one pair of slacks and one set of jeans that were purchased prior to meeting my husband); and others were more recent purchases from when I decided that I was going to live in the moment and wear what fit.  In fact, I have a new pair of khakis in size 4 that I bought right after finding out I was pregnant--perhaps a silly purchase, but I needed something to wear that fit at the time (and in fact, they are cut low enough that I could still wear them this week).

Second, I have that pile of pants on my top shelf that I started when I realized that it was sillly for me (and unflattering) to continually pull the belt tighter after losing so much weight after applying my RE's recommendations.  Back in December, I declared that I was going to live in the moment and put those ill-fitting pants aside and buy some pants that fit.  I never threw those pants out, because I was hoping that I would indeed get pregnant again and would eventually be able to wear them again.

And now, I have a third pile.  This, too, is up on the top shelf, right next to the other pile. I now have my pile of pants that no longer fit...because they are too tight in the waist.  I'm finding that they'll fit one week...and then they won't button by the next time I wear them.  I'm "cheating" and wearing them zipped-up but not buttoned, and then just hoping that my shirt is long enough to cover my secret (and praying that I don't move in a funy way to cause the zipper to become undone).  Once they won't button, I wash them...and then place them on the third pile, praying that I won't see them again until at least late-September (though really I shouldn't need to wear them until January when I plan to go back to work).

So I've got my three piles...but I'm still in this weird "in between" phase.  I pulled the first pair down from Pile #2 on Wednesday when I needed to dress up for an end-of-the-year dinner for my leadership group.  They were a size 12 pair of cotton slacks that I had purchased last summer with my sister-in-law.  They fit easily around my belly...but the waistline of the pants didn't necessarily wanted to follow the waistline of my bump.  So instead, I ended up with a belt, and constantly readjusting them to try to fit the right way.  The next day, I wore my size 4 khakis.  They are cut low enough that I could even button them still (now truth be told, I undid the button as soon as I got in the car for my drive home...okay, I undid the zipper too, but that's because my belly seems to "settle" throughout the day).  A colleague at work (who is extremely supportive and understanding of our journey) even marvelled that I was fitting into my regular pants.

I realize that neither pair of aforementioned pants is an ideal fit.  I know that I'll come to a point of dropping some serious cash on maternity clothes here soon.  But I resist for two reasons.  First, I'm cheap (or as my grandma would say, "frugal").  Don't get me wrong--I love to shop!  But I just hate to "waste" money.  And it kind of feels like "wasting" money when I have a pile of pants in my closet that will fit (at least well enough to cover what's necessary...at least for another month or so).  And second...I've never bought anything for a pregnancy before.  I (naively) bought a book of baby names when we first started trying, but I haven't purchased anything since then (other than medication...and ice cream).  I guess that after three losses, it's just kind of scary still...while at the same time, also extremely exciting.  I guess I just feel like I need a little bit more confirmation...perhaps I'll give myself the opportunity to shop freely and buy to my heart's content after our next appointment on May 5th.

Today's blessing is the chance to attend the bridal shower of one of my former students.  This woman is so beautiful and so wise beyond her years.  I met her during her first year of college, and could already tell at that point that she was something special.  She met her future-husband in their freshman writing course...and have been together ever since.  Weeks before she got engaged (during her Spring Break as a senior in college), she asked me if I was glad that I waited so long to get married (I was 28 at the time), to which I had to laugh and tell her that it wasn't by choice...it was just a matter of (finally!) finding the right guy.  She shared that she feels like this guy is truly the "right guy", and shared that they didn't have the drama that so many other couples their age experience.  And she's right--he is a great guy, and he's totally the right guy for him...just as she is the right bride for him.  She's a beautiful woman, and I know that she will be a beautiful bride and a beautiful wife.  I'm blessed to have her--and so many other amazing students like her--in my life.