Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Wake Me Up When September Ends

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"
-Green Day

I'm afraid that September is going to be a hard month. There are some wonderful celebrations in the month of September, but the month is also going to bring a painful anniversary as well.

At this time last year, things were great! After a year of trying, I was naively blissful about my first pregnancy at the beginning of the month. But a few days into September, I started spotting a little bit (I remember that the spotting started on the day of our Orientation, which will again be scheduled for this Thursday). I read that plenty of women experience spotting, so I tried to stay calm and not worry. Then I got a call just after midnight on September 8th from my dad (it can't be good when you receive a call from your dad after midnight). My dad is a pastor, so I guess you could say that he's accustomed to sharing bad news, but it's so much harder when the news is related to your own family. He shared that my brother and sister-in-law had lost their baby. She was 7 months pregnant at the time.

As the month went on and we dealt with the heartache of losing my nephew, the spotting got more intense. On September 16th, we attended our 12 week appointment, at which we had previously expected to hear the heartbeat with the Doppler for the first time. But as I explained my symptoms and the intensity of the spotting to my doctor, with the Doppler sitting there on the counter, she kindly explained that it sounded like I was losing the baby. She did some bloodwork and sent us home to wait it out. This was the day before my husband's birthday; and to make matters worse, he had to fly out to Alabama for work shortly after the appointment.

September 17th, my husband's birthday, was a Wednesday. I went to work, and stayed late to advise a student organization. The pain intensified throughout the meeting to the point that I found myself digging my fists into my abdomen to try to find comfort. I made it home before beginning to bleed heavily. By 1:00 am, I knew I needed medical help, and somehow drove myself to the hospital, where I promptly passed out in the bathroom, hitting my head in the process. They performed a D&C later that afternoon. My mom flew down to be with me, missing her 33rd anniversary celebration with my dad.

I know it's not healthy, but part of me really does wish that I could tell everyone to "wake me up when September ends", just like the Green Day song. But like I said, I know that's not healthy. And there are wonderful events in September that I really want to be able to celebrate! My husband's birthday is September 17th. He's my best friend, and I love birthdays, and I really want to be able to make him feel special that day (and always). It's unfortunate that I'll always associate sadness of the first loss with his birthday; but in a way, I don't know how I would make it through that day if there wasn't something to celebrate. So while I don't want to forget the first loss, I do want to focus on the joy that my husband brings instead. And September 20th is my parent's anniversary. It sounds cheesy, but without them, I wouldn't be here. I truly admire their relationship, and I know that they will be such amazing grandparents. I want so deeply to see them in that role.

So please bear with me. I feel like I need to warn any readers that my blogs might be kind of sad this month. For the most part, I'm doing really well. I'm in a good place, and I truly feel that God is surrounding me with His comfort. But I'm human, and I still hurt sometimes. So I totally appreciate your prayers and support as these milestones come and go.

Today's blessing was a beautiful sunset on my detour home. I normally drive the exact same drive everyday, but I noticed that there was a wreck on the freeway where I would normally merge, so I ended up taking the back roads instead. I admit that it definitely was not the most direct route, and probably would have even been faster to have just gotten on the freeway and waited through the traffic. But it really was a beautiful drive, and sometimes I need to be reminded to stop and appreciate the amazing desert around me.


  1. Laura, I know what you mean about fastforwarding through the pain! I know that there is nothing I can say to help ease the pain, but I can pray about it :D Sending you big HUGS and lots of love and hoping this September is totally different for you!!!

  2. hi - I stumbled on your blog and I just wanted to say how sorry I am that this month holds sadness for you. I am feeling the same, except for the fact that Sept would have been our 1st EDD had I not miscarried. It's not going to be easy but I know God is great and he will take care of us through this difficult time in our journey.Hang in there!

  3. It's ok to be sad Laura. You need to do what feels right. When I passed my 1 year anniversary of losing Zachary, sad was all I could be. I didn't have my blog back then, so I had to be sad by myself. But now I know that my blog is my safe place to share all the sad I have within me. So please don't apologize for sharing your struggle. Your posts both happy and sad are an outlet for you, and a reminder to the rest of us that we are not alone on this journey. ((Big Hug))

  4. I'm sorry September holds such sad memories for you and your family. Still your optimism is amazing! Hopefully your hubby's birthday and parents anniversary will help remind you of all the wonderful things in your life and distract you during the hard times.


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