It was a beautiful rainy morning in Arizona, and I had a few extra minutes before church, so I figured that oatmeal would make a perfect breakfast. I admit that I haven't really been in the mood for oatmeal, but it's got good nutrients and such, and I figured that I should mix up my daily breakfast routine.
I got about two-thirds of the way through the bowl before the first gag, but everything stayed down. Not being one to waste food, I figured I could make it the rest of the way through the bowl. Two bites later, a gag and a cough. My husband asked from the other room if I was feeling okay. It was about that time that I ran to the other bathroom and promptly puked. After that, I admit that I just couldn't finish the rest of the bowl.
I don't know if I can blame in entirely on morning sickness...or if it's just a new aversion to food. Oatmeal has never really bothered me in the past. In fact, it's our requisite breakfast meal on camping trips. But to play it safe, perhaps I'll take oatmeal off my list of foods to eat...at least for a couple more weeks.
So for anyone who prayed that I would puke...it looks like God has answered that prayer. I'm still trying to practice relying on my faith in God instead of my experience with symptoms. But I've said that I want to experience this pregnancy to its full capacity, and this morning's puking episode was just more experience to remember.
Our next appointment is tomorrow, March 1st, at 1:30 pm (Arizona time). My husband called on Friday night while he was working late to tell me that he wasn't going to be able to make it to the appointment because a lot of his colleagues were out of the office. My heart sank, and I shared with him how genuinely disappointed I was. But I also tried really hard to not pick a fight, and I resisted the urge to send passive-aggressive text messages saying things like "I don't ask for much". I came home, did my bible study, and poured out my frustrations and fears to God, asking that he cleanse me of the disappointment and make me brave to handle the appointment by myself. I was sound asleep when my husband crawled into bed moments before midnight, but was fully awake when he cuddled up to me and said that he would work it out so that he could be there on Monday. I'm so appreciative of this man who loves me and stands by me and finds ways to be my support.
Please pray for us tomorrow. I know that we had such a phenomenal experience at our last appointment, but yet I still fear that perhaps something has changed in the last two weeks. I wouldn't say that it's a "big fear"...but rather, I would just say that I have a "realization" or an "understanding" that things can change. I'm praying that this baby has continued to grow and develop in God's image. I'm also praying that the doctor will have mercy on us and let us see the baby again tomorrow.
Today's blessing was finally agreeing on patio furniture with my husband. Ever since moving into our house nearly three years ago, he has wanted to purchase a patio set so that we can sit and enjoy the desert. I've been perfectly fine with the camping chairs and tough box, but he wanted something a little fancier...but not too fancy. We finally found and purchased a set today, and I look forward to sitting out on the porch with him on plenty of evenings during this upcoming beautiful spring weather.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Cry-Baby
I don't know if I should blame it on the Olympic highlights or my hormones...but I've been crying about absolutely everything lately! I cried watching the Canadian Women's Hockey Team celebrating their gold medal win over the United States. I shouldn't be crying for Canada, but I was just so touched at their excitement and team camaraderie. And then they did a special about the forestry business in British Columbia...and I teared up over the little trees that they plant to help with the reforesting efforts. Why am I crying over trees? Don't even get me started about Joannie Rochette's story...
I admit that I've always been touched by the stories that they share about the Olympians. But something tells me that my hormone levels are at an all time high this time around, as I feel like I'm a bigger cry-baby now than ever before. And it's not just Olympic stories...song lyrics are tugging at my heart as well. So far, I've been able to hold it together at work for the most part. But it sure doesn't seem to take much to get the tears flowing.
I don't remember feeling quite this emotional in my previous pregnancies, so I'm praying that these are good tears. Please pray for us as we prepare for our appointment on Monday, March 1st. I realize that this appointment is typically designed as a simple in-take appointment, but I'm really hoping that given our previous experiences, that the doctor will offer (or at least agree to) another ultrasound. It would be such an amazing blessing to see that beautiful little heart beating again.
Today's blessing is my mom, and the chance to celebrate her birthday. My mom is such an amazing woman, and was a phenomonal mother to my brothers and me. But as the only girl, and probably bening more like her than I initially wanted to admit, my mom and I often struggled in our relationship while I was growing up...especially in my teenage years. But my desires to be a mom have helped me to appreciate my mom so much more now than I ever did in the past. She has been wonderfully caring, supportive, and understanding to me along this journey as only a mother can (uh-oh...here come the tears again). I love her deeply, and I pray that I can be an amazing mom like her. Happy Birthday Mom!
I admit that I've always been touched by the stories that they share about the Olympians. But something tells me that my hormone levels are at an all time high this time around, as I feel like I'm a bigger cry-baby now than ever before. And it's not just Olympic stories...song lyrics are tugging at my heart as well. So far, I've been able to hold it together at work for the most part. But it sure doesn't seem to take much to get the tears flowing.
I don't remember feeling quite this emotional in my previous pregnancies, so I'm praying that these are good tears. Please pray for us as we prepare for our appointment on Monday, March 1st. I realize that this appointment is typically designed as a simple in-take appointment, but I'm really hoping that given our previous experiences, that the doctor will offer (or at least agree to) another ultrasound. It would be such an amazing blessing to see that beautiful little heart beating again.
Today's blessing is my mom, and the chance to celebrate her birthday. My mom is such an amazing woman, and was a phenomonal mother to my brothers and me. But as the only girl, and probably bening more like her than I initially wanted to admit, my mom and I often struggled in our relationship while I was growing up...especially in my teenage years. But my desires to be a mom have helped me to appreciate my mom so much more now than I ever did in the past. She has been wonderfully caring, supportive, and understanding to me along this journey as only a mother can (uh-oh...here come the tears again). I love her deeply, and I pray that I can be an amazing mom like her. Happy Birthday Mom!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My Birthday Gifts From God
Thank you so much for all of the birthday wishes. I took the day off from work, so it was a really nice day of relaxing and catching up with family and friends. And then I got two pretty cool birthday gifts from God.
First, I missed a call...and immediately recognized the phone number as that of the OB's office. I'm not waiting on any results or anything...and yet my heart still started racing. I called back, and the receptionist shared with me that the intended doctor who I was hoping to see could see me on Monday, March 1st! I shared previously that when I had originally called to schedule an appointment with her, that I was told that she wasn't available until March 31st, so I had accepted an appointment with a different doctor on March 8th. But God totally blessed me with an appointment with the intended doctor on March 1st--a week earlier than I was expecting!
Second, I feel like God blessed me with a beautiful gift during my bible study yesterday. I've been reading Isaiah...which actually has some pretty heavy passages. But yesterday's reading--Isaiah 25--is all about praise. I especially loved Isaiah 25:1:
First, I missed a call...and immediately recognized the phone number as that of the OB's office. I'm not waiting on any results or anything...and yet my heart still started racing. I called back, and the receptionist shared with me that the intended doctor who I was hoping to see could see me on Monday, March 1st! I shared previously that when I had originally called to schedule an appointment with her, that I was told that she wasn't available until March 31st, so I had accepted an appointment with a different doctor on March 8th. But God totally blessed me with an appointment with the intended doctor on March 1st--a week earlier than I was expecting!
Second, I feel like God blessed me with a beautiful gift during my bible study yesterday. I've been reading Isaiah...which actually has some pretty heavy passages. But yesterday's reading--Isaiah 25--is all about praise. I especially loved Isaiah 25:1:
"O Lord, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago."
Yes, the fact that I'm currently pregnant sure makes it easier to recognize that God is doing marvelous things. But I think that even in the weeks and months leading up to this pregnancy, I was starting to recognize that God truly is perfectly faithful--even in the midst of the losses--and that He truly is doing good things in my life, according to His plan. I also wanted to throw it out there--what are some other verses that bring you hope and encouragement?
To sum it all up, I was just totally blessed with an all-around nice birthday. I know that I'm dearly loved--by my husband, my family, my friends, and my God. I pray that God continue to bless me in this year to come.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
10 Year Anniversary of Turning 21
Ten years ago, I was eagerly counting down to this day. I was a student in San Diego; loving my job, my classes, and my circle of friends. Just weeks before turning 21, we had snuck into a casino in Tahoe on New Year's Eve to celebrate Y2K (remember all of that hype?). I was never a big drinker, but a whole new world of clubs and bars were now accessible. And since three of us had birthdays within four days of each other, I had my friends with whom to share the new experiences. Life was good.
Ten years later, I admit that life didn't turn out quite the way I thought that it would when I blew out those 21 candles. I didn't marry my college sweetheart right after college...in fact, I never really had a college sweetheart. It wasn't until five years later that I finally met my husband, long after college or even grad school (but ironically, while celebrating my 26th birthday). I don't have a glamorous job with a substantial paycheck...and yet, I know that the work that I do is worthwhile and provides me the opportunity to impact the lives of my students. But the biggest shock that I experienced in the last ten years was the challenges of infertility and loss. Ten years ago, I never ever imagined that we would have gone through--and survived--what we've experienced in the last three years. Yet somehow, that naive, fun-loving 21-year old turned into someone who has more determination, patience, and compassion than I ever thought possible. Yes, life truly is good.
In addition to my own birthday, I'm also blessed with two amazing friends who are one day and two days older than me. I think I look forward to their birthdays just as much as my own. They both live out of state so we don't get to see each other very much, but I always look forward to reconnecting with them around this time of the year.
Ten years later, I admit that life didn't turn out quite the way I thought that it would when I blew out those 21 candles. I didn't marry my college sweetheart right after college...in fact, I never really had a college sweetheart. It wasn't until five years later that I finally met my husband, long after college or even grad school (but ironically, while celebrating my 26th birthday). I don't have a glamorous job with a substantial paycheck...and yet, I know that the work that I do is worthwhile and provides me the opportunity to impact the lives of my students. But the biggest shock that I experienced in the last ten years was the challenges of infertility and loss. Ten years ago, I never ever imagined that we would have gone through--and survived--what we've experienced in the last three years. Yet somehow, that naive, fun-loving 21-year old turned into someone who has more determination, patience, and compassion than I ever thought possible. Yes, life truly is good.
In addition to my own birthday, I'm also blessed with two amazing friends who are one day and two days older than me. I think I look forward to their birthdays just as much as my own. They both live out of state so we don't get to see each other very much, but I always look forward to reconnecting with them around this time of the year.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Images
Our appointment was days ago now, but I still can't get the image of that beautiful beating heart out of my head. I also realized that I hadn't shared it with this community of supporters either, and wanted to do so:
I know it's a little bit blurry, but hopefully you can make it out. Apparently the baby is upside down in this shot, if that helps.
While I'm sharing pictures, I also wanted to share something else. My mom and our pastor both recently shared with me a concept called Praying In Color, which suggests that we use prayer as an art (or art as a prayer). When words fail us, sometimes visual representations can fill the silence. I don't consider myself "artsy" at all, but I figured that I'd give it a shot. Almost immediately after learning that I was pregnant, I began to focus my prayers--in both words and images--on a healthy heartbeat. I had read somewhere that the average 8-week heartbeat was 167 beats per minute. Thus, this was my "prayer in color":
Since our baby's heartbeat was 168, it almost feels like God gave us a "bonus beat". I've continued to draw out some other prayers...perhaps I'll share them later on during this pregnancy. Like I said, not exactly "artsy", but I think that God still hears (or is it "sees"?) them just fine.
While I'm on the topic of images, I wanted to share a link to The Endowment for Human Development. I happened to find their website a few weeks ago when I was trying to get a clearer understanding of what was happening inside of me. I wanted to be able to pray specifically for "cell division" and "implantation" and all of the other scientific fetal development things that are sometimes challenging to grasp. They offer a series of high-tech images and videos that are just simply amazing to view. And to imagine...all of that is happening inside of me!
Today's blessing was a cool day at work...yes...on a Saturday. Each semester, our office hosts a big "interview day" to transition our students from their pre-major into their actual selected major. Essentially, my entire job is focused around preparing my students particularly for this day. It's always so cool to see these students, all polished and prepared, and to remember what they were like when I first met them during Orientation. It also gave me a chance to spend some time with one of my colleagues who I really appreciate and respect. She's the only one who really knows and understands our experience, and I'm blessed to have her as a colleague.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Next Steps
The excitement of seeing our awesome heartbeat has started to subside. But rather than being replaced by fear and worry, it seems to have been replaced with simply a wonderful sense of peace. The thrill of seeing the heartbeat was out of this world, but it's hard to function with those elevated levels of energy pumping through my system. Rather, I'm really content to be happy and peaceful, knowing that my baby is growing and developing as God designed. I pray that I can continue to feel this sense of peace in the weeks and months to come.
So just like that, the RE is done with me. He said that we should go ahead and contact my OB and move over to her services. I called yesterday, and the earliest that my intended OB is available isn't until March 31st...which is quite a few weeks away. So the office scheduled me with another doctor for Monday, March 8th. Given my experience and my impression of the intended OB, I was a tad bit disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see her. But I figured that this first appointment in their offices is really just designed as an "intake appointment", so I figured that I could handle seeing someone else. When I mentioned the name of the new doctor to my very-dear friend (who just finished med school, and had plenty of rotations in this hospital), her eyes lit up in approval. She described the new doctor (a fourth-year resident) as having a lot of "zip"...which I take as a good thing. So with her vote of support, it's official that our next steps will be this appointment with this doctor on Monday, March 8th.
Speaking of this dear-friend, she is my blessing today. I had the chance to have lunch with her and one of our other friends from chuch. But before our other friend arrived, the very-dear friend and I had a chance to have a really great heart-to-heart about our pregnancies. This is her first, and seems to be progressing normally, so her experience is understandably totally different than mine. While the results of our appointment earlier this week took a huge weight off of my shoulders, I'm probably still a bit more emotionally guarded than the average pregnant woman. And that's okay. They say that every pregnancy is different; likewise, I trust that the emotions and experiences and thoughts and reactions of every pregnant woman are different as well. I'm just so thankful that God blessed me with such a very-dear friend who can share her thoughts and hear my side, and continues to pray for and encourage me through it all.
So just like that, the RE is done with me. He said that we should go ahead and contact my OB and move over to her services. I called yesterday, and the earliest that my intended OB is available isn't until March 31st...which is quite a few weeks away. So the office scheduled me with another doctor for Monday, March 8th. Given my experience and my impression of the intended OB, I was a tad bit disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see her. But I figured that this first appointment in their offices is really just designed as an "intake appointment", so I figured that I could handle seeing someone else. When I mentioned the name of the new doctor to my very-dear friend (who just finished med school, and had plenty of rotations in this hospital), her eyes lit up in approval. She described the new doctor (a fourth-year resident) as having a lot of "zip"...which I take as a good thing. So with her vote of support, it's official that our next steps will be this appointment with this doctor on Monday, March 8th.
Speaking of this dear-friend, she is my blessing today. I had the chance to have lunch with her and one of our other friends from chuch. But before our other friend arrived, the very-dear friend and I had a chance to have a really great heart-to-heart about our pregnancies. This is her first, and seems to be progressing normally, so her experience is understandably totally different than mine. While the results of our appointment earlier this week took a huge weight off of my shoulders, I'm probably still a bit more emotionally guarded than the average pregnant woman. And that's okay. They say that every pregnancy is different; likewise, I trust that the emotions and experiences and thoughts and reactions of every pregnant woman are different as well. I'm just so thankful that God blessed me with such a very-dear friend who can share her thoughts and hear my side, and continues to pray for and encourage me through it all.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Praise God!
Praise God! The heartbeat is 168, measuring at exactly 8 weeks (which is right where I was thinking I ought to be). The RE said "things can't look more normal than that".
I realize that we still have a long way to go, but this is a huge milestone. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Please keep them coming in the weeks and months to come.
What an amazing blessing to see the heart just "thump, thump, thumping" away! And what a blessing to see my husband's relief quickly change to excitement. Praise God!
I realize that we still have a long way to go, but this is a huge milestone. Thank you so much for all of your prayers. Please keep them coming in the weeks and months to come.
What an amazing blessing to see the heart just "thump, thump, thumping" away! And what a blessing to see my husband's relief quickly change to excitement. Praise God!
Monday, February 15, 2010
One Track Mind
Our appointment is in less than 24 hours now, and I admit that I have a one track mind. It's really the only thing that I can think about it at the moment.
dictionary.com gives two different definitions of the word "anxious":
1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous: Her parents were anxious about her poor health. 2. earnestly desirous; eager (usually fol. by an infinitive or for): anxious to please; anxious for our happiness.
For once, I think that I fall into the second category. I think that I'm doing pretty well at keeping the stress and worries at bay. I really think that I'm "earnestly desirous" and "anxious for our happiness".
Our appointment is at 11:30 am Arizona time, so please keep us in your prayers tomorrow, especially around that time (sidenote--did you know that Arizona does not observe Daylight Savings Time?). I will try to post an update as soon as I can...though I don't know if I'll be able to do so from my phone. But I know that your prayers have supported me through this journey thus far, so I do plan to share the news as soon as possible. I just pray that I have good news to share.
It's a blessing today to know that I'll know more by this time tomorrow. These three weeks of waiting have been a good opportunity to practice patience and trust, but like I said, I'm anxious to see my baby and know what's going on in there.
dictionary.com gives two different definitions of the word "anxious":
1. full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous: Her parents were anxious about her poor health. 2. earnestly desirous; eager (usually fol. by an infinitive or for): anxious to please; anxious for our happiness.
For once, I think that I fall into the second category. I think that I'm doing pretty well at keeping the stress and worries at bay. I really think that I'm "earnestly desirous" and "anxious for our happiness".
Our appointment is at 11:30 am Arizona time, so please keep us in your prayers tomorrow, especially around that time (sidenote--did you know that Arizona does not observe Daylight Savings Time?). I will try to post an update as soon as I can...though I don't know if I'll be able to do so from my phone. But I know that your prayers have supported me through this journey thus far, so I do plan to share the news as soon as possible. I just pray that I have good news to share.
It's a blessing today to know that I'll know more by this time tomorrow. These three weeks of waiting have been a good opportunity to practice patience and trust, but like I said, I'm anxious to see my baby and know what's going on in there.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Love and Loss on Valentine's Day
Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day of love and celebration. But at this time last year, my heart was breaking as we suffered our second loss. I joke that this was my "favorite loss" because it all happened so quickly and without the trauma that I experienced with the first (or third) loss. But it was still sad and emotionally painful, and I still mourn the loss of that child.
I'm in a very different place now than this time last year. I'm hopeful that this pregnancy is progressing, and I'm anxiously looking forward to the chance to hear a heartbeat on Tuesday. I'm acutely aware that my whole world could come crashing down, but for now, I'm hoping and praying for the steady "thump, thump, thump, thump" of a heartbeat. Please keep us in your prayers as we get closer to the appointment on Tuesday.
Today's blessing is my husband, my Valentine. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Although loss is a horrible thing to endure, I do know that my husband and I have grown closer together through this experience, and I think that we have learned how to appreciate each other so much more. He surprised me with roses on Friday, two days before Valentine's Day...I only got him a card, but I pray that we are both blessed with the gift of a beautiful heartbeat on Tuesday, two days after Valentine's Day.
I'm in a very different place now than this time last year. I'm hopeful that this pregnancy is progressing, and I'm anxiously looking forward to the chance to hear a heartbeat on Tuesday. I'm acutely aware that my whole world could come crashing down, but for now, I'm hoping and praying for the steady "thump, thump, thump, thump" of a heartbeat. Please keep us in your prayers as we get closer to the appointment on Tuesday.
Today's blessing is my husband, my Valentine. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Although loss is a horrible thing to endure, I do know that my husband and I have grown closer together through this experience, and I think that we have learned how to appreciate each other so much more. He surprised me with roses on Friday, two days before Valentine's Day...I only got him a card, but I pray that we are both blessed with the gift of a beautiful heartbeat on Tuesday, two days after Valentine's Day.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Cramping
Add something else to the list of things I'm experiencing in this pregnancy: cramps.
The hard thing about cramps is that they could be a totally good thing...or they could be totally bad. If I'm feeling cramps because my uterusis growing and stretching, then I'm all for them. But if I'm getting cramps because my uterus is trying to expel something...then I'm not okay with them.
I talked to my childhood best friend last night, and she assured me that she had cramps throughout her whole first trimester. She shared that they often got so intense that she would need to lie down for a bit. She now has an amazing 18 month old little boy, so I'm trying to hold onto that bit of reassurance when I feel the cramps coming.
They aren't too bad, but I pay attention to my body and notice these sorts of changes. I'm thankful that I haven't had any spotting...but that could also be because I'm still on the progesterone supplements. I didn't have any spotting in the third pregnancy (due to the progesterone supplements)...but then again, I didn't have any cramping then either. I pray that this is a good thing--I pray that I'm feelings these aches as my uterus grows and expands to accommodate a new life.
Yesterday's blessing was the chance to reconnect with one of my former students with whom I worked over five years ago. We had some guest speakers last night for the student organization which I advise, and I was totally shocked to see this former student walk into the room, all grown up and ready to present. I worked with him during his freshman year of college, and now he's a new professional who is sharing his experiences and expertise with today's first-year students. So it was just really cool to see him again, and to reflect on just how many students I've seen over the course of my time here. It reminds that that what I do makes a diference, and motivates me to continue to do my best in my role.
The hard thing about cramps is that they could be a totally good thing...or they could be totally bad. If I'm feeling cramps because my uterusis growing and stretching, then I'm all for them. But if I'm getting cramps because my uterus is trying to expel something...then I'm not okay with them.
I talked to my childhood best friend last night, and she assured me that she had cramps throughout her whole first trimester. She shared that they often got so intense that she would need to lie down for a bit. She now has an amazing 18 month old little boy, so I'm trying to hold onto that bit of reassurance when I feel the cramps coming.
They aren't too bad, but I pay attention to my body and notice these sorts of changes. I'm thankful that I haven't had any spotting...but that could also be because I'm still on the progesterone supplements. I didn't have any spotting in the third pregnancy (due to the progesterone supplements)...but then again, I didn't have any cramping then either. I pray that this is a good thing--I pray that I'm feelings these aches as my uterus grows and expands to accommodate a new life.
Yesterday's blessing was the chance to reconnect with one of my former students with whom I worked over five years ago. We had some guest speakers last night for the student organization which I advise, and I was totally shocked to see this former student walk into the room, all grown up and ready to present. I worked with him during his freshman year of college, and now he's a new professional who is sharing his experiences and expertise with today's first-year students. So it was just really cool to see him again, and to reflect on just how many students I've seen over the course of my time here. It reminds that that what I do makes a diference, and motivates me to continue to do my best in my role.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Yawning and Yucky
Perhaps it's because I didn't get my typical Sunday afternoon nap...or perhaps the pregnancy fatigue has hit me. Either way, I haven't been able to stop yawning for the last two days. I was exhausted by the time I got home yesterday. I could tell that my body was physically tired. I spent 25 minutes on our elliptical, and it zapped what was remaining of my energy. I was asleep by 8:30 pm, got my full 8+ hours of sleep, and still yawned all day today. I skipped the elliptical today, but convinced my husband to go on a walk with me. Perhaps the cool air and sunlight will perk me up a bit (I've got to find some way to make it through LOST tonight, and for me, caffeine is out of the question).
I also think that I can attribute the "yucky" feel I've been experiencing for the last two weeks or so to this pregnancy. I recognize that "morning sickness" varies for everyone, and that it's not always necessarily affiliated with the "morning". I think I was a kid when I last had the flu, so when I think of being sick, I think of two different sensations. First, I associate it with the topsy-turvy feeling that you get in your stomach when you go on a roller coaster or even just drive really fast over dips in the roads...when it feels like your stomach just drops and rolls around in your gut for a bit. And secondly, I think of too many margaritas (or shots of peppermint schnapps with my college roommate) when the room spins and my mouth waters that nasty pre-puke saliva that makes me head to the toilet. This "yucky" thing going on now feels like neither of those two experiences. The best analogy that comes to mind would be my high school science experiments when you mix two substances together and it creates bubbles and fizz. Sure...I feel like I have that in my stomach. It's not necessarily sour or acidic...it's just weird and different and not part of my normal sensations.
Part of me feels a bit presumptuous to talk about symptoms at this point. I recently re-read a previous post from my third pregnancy when I was trying to discern if what I was experiencing were symptoms or side effects (turns out they were probably side effects, unfortunately). Now I find myself comparing this pregnancy with those in the past. Am I peeing more or less? Are my boobs hurting more or less? Is this weird yucky sick feeling more or less? When I previously posted that I wish people would pray that I would puke, Abbie agreed to my request...and then took it all back and said that she would pray for a healthy pregnancy instead of just symptoms. I couldn't agree with her more, and I totally appreciated her reality check. I pay attention to my body, but the symptoms aren't what make a baby. Rather, all I can do is hand the anxieties of each symptom (or lack thereof) over to God and trust His plan for my life. Symptoms can be reassuring, so I will welcome any that come my way with open arms. I still want to experience this pregnancy to its full potential. But I also need to remember to put my faith in God, and not just the symptoms. Please continue to pray for me--most importantly, please pray for a healthy pregnancy.
Today's blessing was more Heparin. It's turning out to be not nearly as bad I thought it would be. My pharmacist's shortage has apparently been resolved, as I was able to pick up the rest of my prescription today without any problems. As I got in the car today, rejoicing that it's still only $10 for a month supply, I realized that it's that much easier to tolerate the pain when I know it's not hurting us financially. Sure, it stings for a good five minutes or so, but the bruising is so much better this time.
I also think that I can attribute the "yucky" feel I've been experiencing for the last two weeks or so to this pregnancy. I recognize that "morning sickness" varies for everyone, and that it's not always necessarily affiliated with the "morning". I think I was a kid when I last had the flu, so when I think of being sick, I think of two different sensations. First, I associate it with the topsy-turvy feeling that you get in your stomach when you go on a roller coaster or even just drive really fast over dips in the roads...when it feels like your stomach just drops and rolls around in your gut for a bit. And secondly, I think of too many margaritas (or shots of peppermint schnapps with my college roommate) when the room spins and my mouth waters that nasty pre-puke saliva that makes me head to the toilet. This "yucky" thing going on now feels like neither of those two experiences. The best analogy that comes to mind would be my high school science experiments when you mix two substances together and it creates bubbles and fizz. Sure...I feel like I have that in my stomach. It's not necessarily sour or acidic...it's just weird and different and not part of my normal sensations.
Part of me feels a bit presumptuous to talk about symptoms at this point. I recently re-read a previous post from my third pregnancy when I was trying to discern if what I was experiencing were symptoms or side effects (turns out they were probably side effects, unfortunately). Now I find myself comparing this pregnancy with those in the past. Am I peeing more or less? Are my boobs hurting more or less? Is this weird yucky sick feeling more or less? When I previously posted that I wish people would pray that I would puke, Abbie agreed to my request...and then took it all back and said that she would pray for a healthy pregnancy instead of just symptoms. I couldn't agree with her more, and I totally appreciated her reality check. I pay attention to my body, but the symptoms aren't what make a baby. Rather, all I can do is hand the anxieties of each symptom (or lack thereof) over to God and trust His plan for my life. Symptoms can be reassuring, so I will welcome any that come my way with open arms. I still want to experience this pregnancy to its full potential. But I also need to remember to put my faith in God, and not just the symptoms. Please continue to pray for me--most importantly, please pray for a healthy pregnancy.
Today's blessing was more Heparin. It's turning out to be not nearly as bad I thought it would be. My pharmacist's shortage has apparently been resolved, as I was able to pick up the rest of my prescription today without any problems. As I got in the car today, rejoicing that it's still only $10 for a month supply, I realized that it's that much easier to tolerate the pain when I know it's not hurting us financially. Sure, it stings for a good five minutes or so, but the bruising is so much better this time.
Monday, February 8, 2010
2-1/2 Weeks Behind
Last week I received a text from my very-dear friend proclaiming that she's "2-1/2 weeks behind" us. I'm beyond excited for her and her amazing husband, and I'm thrilled to have a friend with whom to share this pregnancy journey. I truly believe that God brought this couple into our lives for a reason, and this woman is such a source of encouragement for me.
When they started trying, I previously shared that I "just pray that I'm able to share this journey with her--whether or not I am pregnant". The Lord has blessed me with a pregnancy, which makes it so much easier to share her joy. But at the same time, part of me can't help but think that if I lose this child, watching her grow and glow will also make it that much harder.
I can't help but feel that she and I are in totally different places...even though we're just a few weeks apart. At our Super Bowl party yesterday, babies were a main topic of discussion (it was our circle of friends from church). Whereas my friend has already rented a book of baby names, calculated a baby budget, and picked out her favorite crib, I'm just praying that my baby has a strong heartbeat and that the cells have been dividing properly. When our wonderfully-caring friend (who happens to be a nurse) asked about birthing plans and epidurals, the very-dear friend had it all figured out in her head. All I could say was that I'm focusing on getting through the ultrasound on the 16th first.
In a way, I guess I'm a bit jealous of my very-dear friend's confidence. I hate to say it, but after three losses, I don't feel like I can jump into this pregnancy with the same sort of gusto as my very-dear friend. I can't help but be much more cautious in my approach. I hope and pray that this baby will continue to grow and develop, but I'm painfully aware that this isn't always the case.
Perhaps the previous three losses were God's way of saying "not yet" instead of a flat-out "no". Perhaps He wanted for us to be able to share the joys of pregnancy and raising children with other Christian couples so that we could all support and challenge each other through the journey. Though we really like our church, it has only been in the last year or so that we have really found a community of believers who are at similar places in their lives. I really feel that God blessed us with this circle of friends, and I pray that He bless us with these babies (and future children for those who are also trying).
Speaking of this circle of friends, yesterday's blessing was a fun Super Bowl party. It was full of good friends, football, food, fellowship, and fun. I admit that I set off the smoke detector with the bacon-wrapped mini-hot dogs, but I think that I made up for it with the blueberry cheesecake.
When they started trying, I previously shared that I "just pray that I'm able to share this journey with her--whether or not I am pregnant". The Lord has blessed me with a pregnancy, which makes it so much easier to share her joy. But at the same time, part of me can't help but think that if I lose this child, watching her grow and glow will also make it that much harder.
I can't help but feel that she and I are in totally different places...even though we're just a few weeks apart. At our Super Bowl party yesterday, babies were a main topic of discussion (it was our circle of friends from church). Whereas my friend has already rented a book of baby names, calculated a baby budget, and picked out her favorite crib, I'm just praying that my baby has a strong heartbeat and that the cells have been dividing properly. When our wonderfully-caring friend (who happens to be a nurse) asked about birthing plans and epidurals, the very-dear friend had it all figured out in her head. All I could say was that I'm focusing on getting through the ultrasound on the 16th first.
In a way, I guess I'm a bit jealous of my very-dear friend's confidence. I hate to say it, but after three losses, I don't feel like I can jump into this pregnancy with the same sort of gusto as my very-dear friend. I can't help but be much more cautious in my approach. I hope and pray that this baby will continue to grow and develop, but I'm painfully aware that this isn't always the case.
Perhaps the previous three losses were God's way of saying "not yet" instead of a flat-out "no". Perhaps He wanted for us to be able to share the joys of pregnancy and raising children with other Christian couples so that we could all support and challenge each other through the journey. Though we really like our church, it has only been in the last year or so that we have really found a community of believers who are at similar places in their lives. I really feel that God blessed us with this circle of friends, and I pray that He bless us with these babies (and future children for those who are also trying).
Speaking of this circle of friends, yesterday's blessing was a fun Super Bowl party. It was full of good friends, football, food, fellowship, and fun. I admit that I set off the smoke detector with the bacon-wrapped mini-hot dogs, but I think that I made up for it with the blueberry cheesecake.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Pennies
I've shared previously how amazing my grandma is. She's the type of grandma who would send me the most amazing chocolate-chip cookies while I was in college...and would send along a check for $15 to get the milk to go with said cookies. She also sends advent calendars each holiday season to my nieces and nephews on my husband's side of the family. I shared just last week about how she sends us each seven birthday gifts so that we can open one for each day of the week leading up to our special day. Another really cool thing that she does is pick up coins that she finds along the side of the street on her daily walks, and then divides her loot between her five grandchildren as part of our Christmas gifts. It never amounted to more than $5 per kid, but it was still such a sweet gesture.
In preparing for her own future role as "grandma", my mom has started picking up coins off the street as well. A few days, she called me excitedly to share that she has been finding a lot of pennies on the ground lately. She works in Downtown Sacramento with parking meters galore, so it's understandably a prime location for her to find loose change; but in my mom's "magical thinking" sort of way, she blissfully thinks that the universe is bringing the pennies to her, giving her hope that this pregnancy will continue to develop and thrive. So she is pretty pleased with the stash that she has saved up, and I earnestly pray that she has the chance to wrap it up as a Christmas gift to my child, the same way that my grandma does.
I try not to get too caught up in "signs" or "serendipity", but I have also found two pennies since finding out that I'm pregnant again. The first was on the morning that I took the test, and the second was the day after I had the penny conversation with my mom. I'm still not giving them too much credit as a "sign"...but rather than just throwing them in my purse, I brought them home and put them in a little box...given to me by none other than my grandma.
My mom and grandma are so different, and yet each so amazing. I'm blessed to have them both as role models of how to be a good wife and mother. I pray that I am able to bless both of them with this child in their respective roles as "grandma" and "great-grandma".
In preparing for her own future role as "grandma", my mom has started picking up coins off the street as well. A few days, she called me excitedly to share that she has been finding a lot of pennies on the ground lately. She works in Downtown Sacramento with parking meters galore, so it's understandably a prime location for her to find loose change; but in my mom's "magical thinking" sort of way, she blissfully thinks that the universe is bringing the pennies to her, giving her hope that this pregnancy will continue to develop and thrive. So she is pretty pleased with the stash that she has saved up, and I earnestly pray that she has the chance to wrap it up as a Christmas gift to my child, the same way that my grandma does.
I try not to get too caught up in "signs" or "serendipity", but I have also found two pennies since finding out that I'm pregnant again. The first was on the morning that I took the test, and the second was the day after I had the penny conversation with my mom. I'm still not giving them too much credit as a "sign"...but rather than just throwing them in my purse, I brought them home and put them in a little box...given to me by none other than my grandma.
My mom and grandma are so different, and yet each so amazing. I'm blessed to have them both as role models of how to be a good wife and mother. I pray that I am able to bless both of them with this child in their respective roles as "grandma" and "great-grandma".
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My Brother's Gift
Since we spent Christmas in Montana with my in-laws this year, I had to do my gift exchange with my family through the postal service. This isn't really a problem...except for the fact that my family tends to put things off until the last minute...especially my youngest brother. A week or so after we returned from Montana, my brother mentioned that he still needed to send me money as a gift because he didn't know what to get me (the same dilemma that my husband, mother-in-law, and sister-in-laws all faced). The last thing that I want to do is take my baby brother's hard-earned cash, so I had a really honest conversation with him in which I shared that all I really want is a baby. Holding back tears, I told him that the greatest gift that he could give me would be to pray daily for me, that either the Lord bless me with a child, or that He would remove this desire from my heart. My brother excitedly agreed to my gift request.
Fast forward to this week, when I shared the news of our pregnancy with him. He assured me that he has been praying, nearly daily, for me. He also shared that his prayers haven't simply been "Lord, please make my sister pregnant", but rather, "Lord, please help my sister to embrace this path that You've made for her". Oh, how I echo that prayer!
I'm overwhelmed by how many people are praying for me and for this child. But when the doctors have no conclusive answer as to why my last three pregnancies ended in loss, I feel that I have no other choice but to cry out in prayer and ask others--sometimes even complete strangers--to pray for me and this child as well. Please continue to pray.
As I reflect on my brother's gift, I recognize just how blessed I am to be part of such a caring family. This journey has definitely been a struggle for my husband and me, but it affects my parents and brothers (and sister-in-law) as well. Between my sister-in-law and me, my poor parents have lost four grandbabies! And yet, they hold onto the hope that God's plan includes the title of "grandparents" for them and "parents" for us.
Fast forward to this week, when I shared the news of our pregnancy with him. He assured me that he has been praying, nearly daily, for me. He also shared that his prayers haven't simply been "Lord, please make my sister pregnant", but rather, "Lord, please help my sister to embrace this path that You've made for her". Oh, how I echo that prayer!
I'm overwhelmed by how many people are praying for me and for this child. But when the doctors have no conclusive answer as to why my last three pregnancies ended in loss, I feel that I have no other choice but to cry out in prayer and ask others--sometimes even complete strangers--to pray for me and this child as well. Please continue to pray.
As I reflect on my brother's gift, I recognize just how blessed I am to be part of such a caring family. This journey has definitely been a struggle for my husband and me, but it affects my parents and brothers (and sister-in-law) as well. Between my sister-in-law and me, my poor parents have lost four grandbabies! And yet, they hold onto the hope that God's plan includes the title of "grandparents" for them and "parents" for us.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I Thought This Day Would Never Come
I've been waiting for this day for months! And believe it or not, it has absolutely nothing at all to do with TTC or this pregnancy (well, at least not directly--keep reading). Today is significant because it marks the premiere of LOST!
When they first started teasing the new season back in November, I thought this day would never come. It just seemed so long to wait! I was anxious for them to start. Forget the ratings and season schedules, I'm hooked on the show...and I just wanted it as part of my daily life again. But of course I had no choice but the wait, and now it's finally here. I'm not doing any sort of "party" or anything, but you can bet that I'll be on my couch with remote in hand when it's ready to start.
Some super-fans may disagree, but in the grand scheme of things...the show is pretty insignificant. Sure, it's brought my husband and I hours of enjoyment and countless discussions on possible theories. But in the end, it's just a silly tv show. If I can find the will power to wait patiently for this premiere, surely I can wait patiently on the Lord through this pregnancy. Okay, okay...I realize it's a bit of a stretch to equate the two. But in all seriousness, tonight's premeire and the ultrasound on the 16th are the next two big events on my calendar that make me wake up thinking "Today is the day!" (followed a week later by my birthday).
I survived the wait for tonight's premiere, and I know that I'll survive waiting out the next two weeks for the ultrasound. After that, it will then be another 32-week wait (give or take), filled with anticipation and prayers for peace as we prepare for the arrival of our first living child. That's a long time to wait...but at least I'll have LOST to keep me occupied for the first 18 weeks.
Today's blessing was a super sweet moment with my husband. I headed to bed early, and he stayed up working on taxes until about midnight. By the time that he crawled into bed, I was sound asleep. He snuggled up to me and whispered that he loved me...then rubbed my belly and said "I love you, too". I'm blessed with an amazing man, and I pray that the Lord bless him with this precious child.
When they first started teasing the new season back in November, I thought this day would never come. It just seemed so long to wait! I was anxious for them to start. Forget the ratings and season schedules, I'm hooked on the show...and I just wanted it as part of my daily life again. But of course I had no choice but the wait, and now it's finally here. I'm not doing any sort of "party" or anything, but you can bet that I'll be on my couch with remote in hand when it's ready to start.
Some super-fans may disagree, but in the grand scheme of things...the show is pretty insignificant. Sure, it's brought my husband and I hours of enjoyment and countless discussions on possible theories. But in the end, it's just a silly tv show. If I can find the will power to wait patiently for this premiere, surely I can wait patiently on the Lord through this pregnancy. Okay, okay...I realize it's a bit of a stretch to equate the two. But in all seriousness, tonight's premeire and the ultrasound on the 16th are the next two big events on my calendar that make me wake up thinking "Today is the day!" (followed a week later by my birthday).
I survived the wait for tonight's premiere, and I know that I'll survive waiting out the next two weeks for the ultrasound. After that, it will then be another 32-week wait (give or take), filled with anticipation and prayers for peace as we prepare for the arrival of our first living child. That's a long time to wait...but at least I'll have LOST to keep me occupied for the first 18 weeks.
Today's blessing was a super sweet moment with my husband. I headed to bed early, and he stayed up working on taxes until about midnight. By the time that he crawled into bed, I was sound asleep. He snuggled up to me and whispered that he loved me...then rubbed my belly and said "I love you, too". I'm blessed with an amazing man, and I pray that the Lord bless him with this precious child.
Monday, February 1, 2010
I Love February
I'm selfish. And biased. I'm a February baby, and I still firmly believe that February is the best month. I shared back in September that I was somewhat dreading the month due to some dates associated with sadness, but I feel just the opposite about February.
For starters, my birthday is towards the end of the month, which gives me something to which to look forward. Birthdays have always been significant in my family--I blame my Grandma. My Grandma is an amazingly selfless woman who gave us seven presents for our birthday each year so that we could open one up on each day of the week leading up to our birthday. As we got older, the gifts got smaller and more practical. But the sentiment is still the same, and I still look forward to opening my daily gift with childlike excitement. My mom's birthday is three days after mine, so even when my week of gifts come to a close, the celebrations just keep on going for her.
Then there's Valentines Day, which is usually pretty sweet for all of the stereotypical reasons that made me hate it when I was single and love it once I met my husband. Sadly, since I lost baby #2 last year on Valentines Day, the date does have some tears associated with it for me now. But I'm trying to focus on the expected opportunity to express my love and appreciation to my husband on this day (while also taking a moment for myself to mourn the loss of that child)...besides, I should be celebrating my love for him every day of the year. But speaking of my love for my husband...the anniversary of us meeting (and subsequently dating) also falls later in the month and gives us another reason to celebrate.
As for living in Southern Arizona, things start coming to life again in February. Spring (and sometimes even summer) start early for us, so the days will typically be warm-but-not-hot by the end of the month, which allows for some amazing sunrise/sunsets and the start of flowers blooming. And if I get to warm down here, I've got the Olympics this year to remind me that it's still winter elsewhere.
And now I'm hoping that I'll be able to add February 16th as another significant day, as I pray that we'll hear an amazing heartbeat that day. Please pray for us and for this child growing inside of me as we get closer to February 16th.
Today's blessing is that it's looking like my husband does not need to go out of town for the rest of the week. He's working on a project that was possibly going to bring him to D.C. until Saturday, but he never got the call, so it sounds like he'll just finish up the project from here. Aside from the five weeks he spent in Djibouti in the Fall, I usually do just fine with his short trips. But I'd rather just keep him here with me.
For starters, my birthday is towards the end of the month, which gives me something to which to look forward. Birthdays have always been significant in my family--I blame my Grandma. My Grandma is an amazingly selfless woman who gave us seven presents for our birthday each year so that we could open one up on each day of the week leading up to our birthday. As we got older, the gifts got smaller and more practical. But the sentiment is still the same, and I still look forward to opening my daily gift with childlike excitement. My mom's birthday is three days after mine, so even when my week of gifts come to a close, the celebrations just keep on going for her.
Then there's Valentines Day, which is usually pretty sweet for all of the stereotypical reasons that made me hate it when I was single and love it once I met my husband. Sadly, since I lost baby #2 last year on Valentines Day, the date does have some tears associated with it for me now. But I'm trying to focus on the expected opportunity to express my love and appreciation to my husband on this day (while also taking a moment for myself to mourn the loss of that child)...besides, I should be celebrating my love for him every day of the year. But speaking of my love for my husband...the anniversary of us meeting (and subsequently dating) also falls later in the month and gives us another reason to celebrate.
As for living in Southern Arizona, things start coming to life again in February. Spring (and sometimes even summer) start early for us, so the days will typically be warm-but-not-hot by the end of the month, which allows for some amazing sunrise/sunsets and the start of flowers blooming. And if I get to warm down here, I've got the Olympics this year to remind me that it's still winter elsewhere.
And now I'm hoping that I'll be able to add February 16th as another significant day, as I pray that we'll hear an amazing heartbeat that day. Please pray for us and for this child growing inside of me as we get closer to February 16th.
Today's blessing is that it's looking like my husband does not need to go out of town for the rest of the week. He's working on a project that was possibly going to bring him to D.C. until Saturday, but he never got the call, so it sounds like he'll just finish up the project from here. Aside from the five weeks he spent in Djibouti in the Fall, I usually do just fine with his short trips. But I'd rather just keep him here with me.
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