A year ago today, we lost our third baby.
Unlike our first loss (on my husband's birthday) and our second loss (on Valentine's Day), there is nothing else marked on the calendar to celebrate today. I can't claim that today is "bitter-sweet", and mourn the bitterness of the loss but celebrate the sweetness of my husband on his birthday or (the recognizably highly over-commercialized) Valentine's Day. And yet, I have something else to celebrate. God has blessed me, and I'm further along in this pregnancy than in any of the previous three.
This morning in church, as I felt our baby girl moving around, I thought about "loss". Ever since our first loss, I've shared that I've always preferred to refer to the experience as "loss" rather than "miscarriage". And yet this morning, I had another little "a-ha moment" when I started to formulate the idea that even though I may have experienced the sensation of "losing" those babies (as a "verb"), perhaps they aren't truly "lost" (as an "adjective"). As a Christian, I believe that those who believe in God and accept Him as their Lord and Saviour will be united with Him again in Heaven. Although the Bible does not specifically address the "what happens when a baby dies?" question, I know that God claims that He loves the little children, thus prompting me to believe that I will on day be reunited with my babies in Heaven. And so, although I most definitely mourn for the experience of losing those babies, I can't claim them to be "lost". Rather, I truly believe that they are in Heaven with their Heavenly Father.
In my own selfishness, do I wish that I still had those babies with me? Of course! Do I wish that I could have avoided the pain and sorrow that I experienced? Of course! And yet, I must remind myself that those babies are in a far superior place with a God who loves them even more than I ever could. I do look forward to being reunited with them someday in Heaven, but for now, I'm overwhelmed at God's goodness and His abundant blessings in my life. A year ago, I mourned the loss of our third baby. Today, as I remember that loss, I also praise God for blessing me with this baby girl who continues to grow and kick and stretch and live in my belly.
Today's blessing is the companionship with my husband that I find through our marriage. Our pastor preached today on marriage, and how we are created to be "suitable helpers" (or more accurately "strong compliments") to each other. He may not be perfect in all areas, but my husband really is the perfect companion to me. Of course...he left today for a two week Army Reserves commitment, but it makes me look forward to the return of his companionship even more.